If Tomorrow Never Comes
by McSmilesAlot
Summary: They both love him, they've both been hurt by him. But where is the line drawn when he hurts one of them in a way that can never be forgiven or forgotten? How far pass the line do you go before you cry rape? Addek MerDer MerAddifriendship CH 5 UPDATED!
1. He Hurts Me Most

**A/N: Okay, I have another new story. I really need to stop coming up with new ones while I still have uncompleted stories out. Before I begin about this, the order I will update goes likes this: Lacking Simplicity, If Tomorrow Never Comes, and If We Had Seen It Coming. **

**Okay, now for this story. This is something new I'm working with. It's definitely for mature readers and there are more than definitely some very dark parts. There will be parts I'm shore you won't like but it will get better. Again, it takes place during season two. Here we go…. (may possibly be a Kleenex needing chapter)**

**If Tomorrow Never Comes**

Chapter 1: He Hurts Me Most

He's staring at me from the nurses' station, giving me that McDreamy look that he knows render's me speechless. I'm leaning against the wall waiting for him to leave so I can get a patient's chart. I have been trying to get over him but then he gives me that look and I forget how much he's hurt me. He's moving closer to me, abandoning the chart he had held in his firm hands. Soon he is right in front of me but I can't move away.

I can see his lips but I hear no words, only see his eyes undressing me. I ask him to leave me alone and go back to his wife so I can move on but he just smiles and runs his hand down my cheek. Before I can push him away and leave he's tugging me into an empty on call room just around the corner. I faintly hear the click as he locks the door behind him.

Soon, his hands are playing with the string of my scrub pants. He unties them in less than two seconds and pulls them down to my ankles. I gasp as his hand slips up my shirt and cups my breast through mycotton bra. He renders me motionless. His other hand traces my inner thigh, drawing invisible circles, working upward.

He leads me to the bed, his lips kissing and suckling at my neck. I let him lye me down, his body covering mine. His hands are moving everywhere, making my senses go wild. He removes his hands to undress himself and returns them before I can come back to reality. I can't even remember my scrub top and underwear being removed. There we are, naked, skin to skin. He looks at me, a dark lustrous look in his eyes.

That look pulls me back to reality. "Derek, we- we should stop. This- it's wrong. Addison…s-she …please just stop." I told him, his hardened cock hitting my thigh. I don't know if he heard me or not. He moves his hips closer to mine, I feel his shaft begin to enter. "Derek, stop! I don't- I don't want this. No!" I'm nearly shouting now, pleading. He does not hear me as he enters anyway.

I try to push him away but he's too strong and he's moving too fast. I don't want this. He leans down to kiss me but I turn my head and he catches my cheek instead. This does not make him either. I open my mouth to scream but he pulls my face to him and covers it with a forceful kiss. I stop fighting, it's useless. I lay there like a broken doll as he keeps pushing in and out of me, too rough to feel anything else.

He finishes, a drawn out moan leaving his throat as he pulls out gripping my waist for support. He smiles down at me and lays a feather kiss against my forehead. I faintly hear him say 'I love you'. How could he possibly love me? He leaves, closing the door behind him. I'm lying there naked, crying and wishing that it never happened. I barely get on my panties and bra before I finally sink to the ground in a heap, my cheek plastered to the linoleum floor. Tears cascade down my face endlessly. The sad thing is that even after that, I still love him. I don't want to but I don't know how to stop.

I lay there unmoving, crying so hard my chest hurts. Seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours. I know Bailey is on the war path looking for me as well as the Chief but I can't get up. I can still feel him in me, and his breath hot on my skin, hear him whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I move my hands up to cover them and feel blood on my neck. He was pushing in so hard I couldn't even feel him bite me.

I feel a vibration by my waist and see that it's my pager. I reach for it blindly and pull it up to my eyes. Twenty pages all saying the same thing. 'Chief's office 911' and then another three paging me to the pit. Even after seeing this, I still lie here broken. I throw the pager against the door. How had they not heard me shout? Did I not shout loud enough? I see the door knob turn, of course they would hear the pager hit the door.

The last person I thought would find me walks in but does not see me on the floor. I slide under the bunk bed's base before they can turn on the light. I don't want to be found, not like this. I hear their feet scuffle along the floor and then see them stop in front of the bed. The mattress creaks as they sit on it. I guess they aren't looking for me after all.

They yawn as if they are worn out from the day. As I hear her lying down, I wonder if she would still lie there if she knew what had happened just hours ago. I flinch as her pager clatters to the floor. Not long after that she reaches down to get it but pauses. That's when I see my broken pager scattered by the door and my scrubs thrown in a corner next to it.

Had she seen it? She moved again, throwing her legs over the side. I gulped as she leaned over to retrieve her pager. My breath stops in my throat, hoping she won't see me. She's about to stand up straight again when her head turns sideways and her eyes lock with mine. My heart stops and my body freezes rock solid, tears making a fresh trail over the old dried ones.

"Grey? Everyone's looking for you! Why are you under there?" she questions, looking at me like she would have rather bit a lemon than find me. She reaches under to pull me out when I don't make a plan to move. I flinch away from her as if she had been the one to do this to me. She looks around the room, sighing in what I think is frustration. She stops so suddenly that I barely even realized she had stopped.

I follow her eyes to my broken pager and my forgotten scrubs, the top torn. When had that happened? She looks back at me in confusion. Her eyes travel my body, in deep thought. I sink further back to the wall. Her head snaps back up to look at me as if my movement brought her back down to earth. She's looking at me but her eyes aren't level with mine and I realize she's staring at the bloody bite mark on my neck.

"Come out here, Grey. I won't hurt you." she tells me, her voice sounding so soft and caring. I slide out, ignoring the hand she offered me for help. I sit up and use the bunk frame to push myself up onto my feet. She scans my body trying to figure out if I was raped or if I just liked rough sex. Her eyes linger on my waist.

I look down and see two deep purple hand prints on either side of my waist from where _he_ gripped me during _it_. She looks back up at me, a worrying look in her eyes. "Come with me to an exam room. Um, we'll need to call the cops." she finally says after giving me that sympathetic look for what seemed like hours.

"NO! I can't, he-he…I can't. No. I don't need to be examined either." I stammered, my eyes shouting volumes of emotions. How could I call the cops on someone who I love? How could I cry rape when I wasn't even sure if it was or not? Addison stared down at me, reaching out to pull me to her in a hug. I move backwards colliding with the bunk bed.

It looked as if I were backing away because she were another guy who could hurt me. The truth is I backed away because I didn't want to be comforted by the wife of he man who hurt me so much. "You need to let me at least check you out. I'll just do a rape kit and clean up that bite mark." she offered, this time keeping her hands to herself.

I stare at her incredulously. I don't want her touching me even just to pat my arm let alone touch me down there. "No. You can't because if you do a rape kit then you have to call the police. It's protocol to do that, if you don't then you could be suspended or even fired. You don't seem like the one to lose a job just because someone wasn't sure if it was rape or not, especially not for me. I mean why would you? I mean you hate me and you probably think I asked for this. I did sleep with your husband and I get drunk and sleep with inappropriate guys. Derek even knows I'm a whore so maybe I did ask for this." I'm rambling, going on and on. I'm surprised I didn't just out right tell her it was Derek.

She contemplates me for a moment as if wondering how she should respond. "I don't hate you, Meredith. Right now this isn't about you and me and Derek. This is about you and the bastard that did this. You are not a whore and you didn't ask for this. If you said no and the ass kept going, then it's rape." she told me, nearly shouting as if that would make a difference in anything.

"I did say no, I tried to scream too. But that's not what I mean. You wouldn't understand. I-I wanted it, my body wanted it. I didn't even try to stop him until he already pushed in. God, isn't that sick?! I only wanted to stop because…I-I can't even tell you the truth!" Suddenly I'm laughing, laughing so hard I clench my stomach. She looks at me like I'm crazy. I'm laughing at the irony.

She hurts me first by showing up to claim her husband, then he tries to fix it by saying I saved him when he was drowning. He hurts me next by pushing himself on me and now she's the one trying to fix it. The funny thing is, it's all unfixable. Everything. I can't talk to him about how she made me feel inferior compared to her and I can't tell her how he hurt me.

"You can tell me the truth, Meredith. I'll stand here with you all day until you tell me who did this." she pleads, as if I'm her responsibility. I shake my head, ready to bolt. I move to the corner wear my scrubs lay haphazardly and pull on my pants. I tug on my scrub top despite the tear at the bottom followed by roughly jamming my feet into my sneakers.

I feel the blood trickling down my thigh from when he kept going too hard and too fast but ignore it. "No, I can't. You know him. Everyone _knows_ him and no one will believe me. You can stand here all day but, I'm leaving. No one and I mean _no one_ is to know about this. If you tell anyone, I'll deny it ever happened. Now _that,_ people will believe." I said angrily.

I didn't want anyone else involved. I didn't want anyone involved in the first place. This was my problem and even if I told someone else they wouldn't believe me, regardless of who did it. I'm just the slutty intern after all, right?

"I'll believe you Meredith. No matter who it was, I'll believe you." she pleaded, looking at me with this sad look. I looked at her, quietly studying her. I shook my head. "I can't Addison, I can't. He…he's the one who hurts me most, hurts you the most. I don't want him to hurt you anymore than he already has. That means not telling you who did it. It's for the best. Just- just be stronger than me and keep trying."

I gave her so many clues because deep down I wanted her to know, to hate him and hurt him as he hurt me. But I couldn't tell her, couldn't risk her getting hurt more, not physically but emotionally. It hurts just the same. He always knew how to hurt people, it's what he does best. He is who hurts the most.

**A/N: Okay, so there it is. I honestly don't know where this idea came from but, it's all coming in pieces and I can see where I want to go with it. As always, R&R good or bad. **


	2. Love Kills Me

**A/N: I am definitely thankful for all of my reviews and very excited about the outcome. I am glad to say that this story is so fresh in my mind right now and I can sort of see where I'm taking. I'm also a MerDer fan but Derek is sort of throwing me off right now. Anyway…I'm glad everyone likes it so far! Here's chapter two! **

Chapter 2: Love Kills Me

I didn't bother staying at work, I couldn't face seeing _him_ again and I just knew that Addison wasn't going to let it go. Now I'm in my bathroom, looking around me trying to figure out what to do next. I've thrown my scrubs and underwear in the trash, not wanting to see them again. I'm naked, again, and this scares me more.

Suddenly I feel like I'm covered in him and it makes me squirm. I turn the knob in the shower all the way until it's on hot. I step in and curl up in the back corner near the tiled wall, letting the burning water wash over me. My skin turns a bright red but that's just the beginning.

I reach up for my lufa and Izzy's body wash. I don't dare use my lavender one. Time passes by as I scrub away until the feeling of him on me leaves. I reach to turn the water off when I remember how he ran his hand through my hair. I wash it nearly ten times with George's shampoo and Izzy's conditioner before I reach for the knob again.

I'm not done cleansing but the water has gone cold, not nearly the same burning effect. My body moves on autopilot, dressing myself without a second's thought. It's like my mind has been programmed to dress me in anything that _he_ hasn't touched. I've got on cotton Hello Kitty underwear and a tattered bra. The panties don't fit, somehow Izzy's underwear got mixed with mine.

I'm standing there getting cold because I can't find clothes that _he_ hasn't seen or touch. I slip into Izzy's room and grab the first thing in her drawer, a pair of pink sweats with a matching camisole and hoodie. I know they'll be too big but at least they aren't mine, aren't something touched by_ him_.

My feet carry me downstairs and into my mother's study to lay on her couch. Hehasn't been in here. I hear the door open and muffled voices. Hours must have gone by for Izzy, George and Alex to be home. I faintly hear the creaking of the stairs as one of them goes up, probably to look for me.

"She's not in there but she's been here. I found her scrubs in the bathroom trash can." Izzy says by the door of the study. A muffled reply comes from the direction of the living room. "Her cars in the driveway and she couldn't have gone jogging, her ipod and phone are on the table by the door." the muffled voice, George, says as he moves next to Izzy.

The door to the study is open, all they have to do is turn around to see me. Better get it over with. "I'm right here." I tell them, my voice sounding more broken than I meant it to sound. Izzy and George whip around, both wearing relieved yet shocked looks. "We've been worried about you! Have you been here this whole time? Bailey and the Chief are furious!" Izzy shouts, barging in, George, Alex, and a quiet Christina behind her.

I sit up, trying to think of some excuse to give them. "I'm sorry. I was tired and I felt like I was going to pass out so I left and went home." That should work. I already feel and look like crap there's no reason for them not to believe me. Izzy starts to rant about how I should have told someone, George agrees with her, Alex just leaves and Christina stares at me with this look that says she knows something.

I'm pushing them all out of my mind, wishing for them to go away. My wish comes true as Christina kicks them out. She turns to the door like she's going to go too but closes the door instead. She faces me again and goes over every inch of my body. "HEY! ARE THOSE MY CLOSE?!" Izzy shouts from behind the door. I hear a scuffling of feet as George argues with her but pushes her away from the door.

"Why did the She-Shepherd pull me out of Burke's surgery to tell me I should talk to you?" Christina finally asks, her eyes looking slightly pissed off. Is it because she got pulled out of surgery? Or because Addison knows something she doesn't?

I shrug, "I don't know. I guess it's cause everyone was looking for me. It's no big deal." I say, hoping she will let it drop. I know she won't though, she never does. If she keeps pushing…I don't know if I can't not tell her. She shakes her head and sits on the couch next to my feet.

"That's bull and you know it. She gave me this look, like if I didn't find you, you would die. I almost left right there. I would have if Bailey hadn't of walked by. Not to mention, when Bailey was coming toward us, Addison shut her mouth quicker than a frog catching flies. She's knows something about you that you don't want anyone to know about. I asked her what it was that she couldn't risk Bailey hearing but she was locked up like Fort Knox. She told me that you wouldn't let her touch you and then she just left. What the hell does that mean?" Christina explained in detail about what Addison told her.

Now I definitely know that she isn't going to let this go. I don't want to say it again, I don't want to experience that again. I sit up, looking dead ahead of me. I don't want to see her reaction after I tell her. "I didn't leave because I was sick. I left because…because I was…something happened that I didn't want and I said no but _he_ did it anyway."

I feel her stiffen beside me. "What _something_ was it? It's not that, right? I mean, he didn't try to have sex with you did he?" she questioned me, fishing for anything besides the truth. I hope she doesn't make me say it. "He didn't _try._ He…he just did. Please don't make me say it Christina." I pleaded with her. Silence takes over the cluttered room as we sit there each sitting there frozen.

"Who did it? Who was he, Meredith I swear I'll kill him…or if you want to do it, you can. I'll help you burry the body." she tells me, I can hear the truth, the malice in her words. She's the friend, the sister I never had. If I asked her to do anything, she would do it. No matter what.

"You can't. I don't want you to. It will only make things worse." I say, finally daring a look at her. She looks almost as broken as I am but the look in her eyes is angry. She blinks once then replies, "Fine. Then I can just hurt him really badly, near fatal. He hurt you, so I hurt him. You're my person…my sister, Mer. I won't let him or anyone else hurt you." I smile the faintest of smiles.

She puts her hand on mine, the closest either of us will get to hugging. "Mer, how come you wouldn't let Addison touch you? She wasn't going to hurt you. I mean, I get that you wouldn't have wanted to be touched but she's a doctor." she pointed out, I could see in her eyes that it was bothering her and that she wasn't going to let it go without an answer.

I've known all along that I would tell Christina. She could make his life a living hell without even saying anything to him or anyone else. "She's close to _him_. She knows him like she knows herself." I tell her, looking away as a new wave of 'Derek thoughts' swam through my un-wanting mind. This puzzles her, I can tell she's going through a list of people that Addison would know like that.

Then it dawns on her and her eyes go considerably dark. "That bastard! It has to be Shepherd that did this. He's the only one Addison knows like that and he's the only one you would protect no matter how much he's hurt you. Oh you've got to let me kill him now." she's yelling and I'm fairly sure Izzy and the others can hear her.

She stands up and begins to pace back and forth, coming up with a plan to murder Derek I'm sure. "That's not the worse part, Christina. I'm the one that did this. I let him hurt me like that. It's sad that my body can't stop liking his touch even when it's forced. What does that say about me?" I spit the truth out, waiting for the disgusting look I'm sure Christina will throw at me.

"It says that Shepherd is and ass who knew how to use your love for him against you. Your body wanted it, Meredith, but if you said no then he should have stopped. Does Addison know what a dick her husband is?" Christina answers me, not giving me the look I expected to get. I shake my head 'no' at the question she asks me.

I could never tell Addison about Derek. It could only cause more pain for the both of us. "Well, you have to tell her. She needs to know the ass that she's married to. Please don't tell me you're scared of her." Christina exclaims, not once has she stopped pacing.

"No, it will only make things worse. I gave her clues, good ones I think. But I can't out right tell her." I tell her, thinking back to the things I told her before leaving. 'He is who hurts me most, hurts you the most.' She shakes her head in disagreement but I know she won't force me to tell her, at least not right away.

She stops abruptly. "Where did she find you? How did she find you?" she asks, looking at me for answers to questions she had yet to ask. I try not to picture the on call room but my mind is a room for torture and shows me anyway.

"In the on call room, that…that _it_ happened in. Three hours after. I was hiding under the bunk bed not wanting to be found by anyone. She came in to take a nap, I think. It's ironic don't you think? That she's the one to find me afterwards. I felt like she caught me being a mistress." I find myself releasing an uncontrollable chuckle.

She looks at me then looks back at the door. "You're not a mistress, you're a rape victim. You may not be able to say that now but, you are Meredith." she tells me, her voice almost sounding angry with me. I don't want to talk about this anymore. The more I talk the more I see it happening again. She comes back over to sit next to me, her hand returning to mine.

"I don't want to talk anymore. Just, don't let be me alone with him. I'm going to go back to work tomorrow and pretend everything's fine. Considering how I left in the middle of my shift, I will probably be on scut for a long time. That should help in the process of staying away from him. Don't fight me on this, Christina. As far as everyone knows, I'm fine. Addison will probably be watching me like a hawk and constantly asking me if I'm alright, don't be that person too, ok?"

She simply nods, squeezing my hand tighter. I can count on her to go along with it for awhile before she can't lie anymore. That's enough time to do whatever it is I have to do forget anything ever happened. "I'm going to say this once. If he ever…_ever_ touches you again, I won't refrain from kicking his ass and burying him alive." she promises me, a promise I know she will keep if he does it again.

We sit there in silence, ignoring the incessant knocking that I'm sure is caused by Izzy.

My head tosses the picture of Derek on top of me back in forth. My mind is filled with thoughts of _him_, the Derek that doesn't understand the meaning of 'no'. My thoughts are no longer present. I can't think of what I'll have for dinner or whose surgery I want in on because he may be eating the same thing or Bailey may make me work with him.

I can't wear my Dartmouth shirt with the whole in the collar because the sweet Derek likes how I look in it which means the bad Derek will probably make the whole bigger. There is no more me, no more Meredith. Only the Meredith who can't stop thinking about the bad Derek. Only the Meredith who loves the good Derek and can't tell the difference between loving good Derek and hating the bad Derek.

Love kills me. Hate keeps me here in hell.

**A/N: Okay, there it is. There is definitely some MerCris sister/friend love and loyalty in here. I thought that even though they had a close friendship in Season 2, I could bring them even closer. I did use a line from season 3 that Christina says right before she finds out that Meredith has drowned. Mer/Addi friendship will factor in later. Addison will find out in the next chapter if not the fourth one. Her reaction will be quite shocking. Meredith is going back and forth between loving Derek and hating him because she refuses to believe that the Derek that raped her is the same as the one who chased her in season 1. Her moods toward him will vary when she sees him and eventually she will be put on his service. I don't know when though. At some point Bailey starts to figure out that something is going on. Also, I will start writing this in third person. In the next chapter you see Meredith begin to change and throw herself into her work. Ok, I'm going to stop now because I don't want to give away too much. As always, R&R**

**Yours Truly, Nik**


	3. It's A Broken World

_**A/N: Okay, if you are reading my other stories, I am so sorry that I'm not updating as frequently. I will try to get something up for 'Lacking Simplicity' this weekend and 'If We Had Seen It Coming' later next week. **_

_**McMackenzie: This is not a MerMark pairing or any other pairing, really. This story is focusing on Meredith repairing herself with her friends' support. She is going through a lot right now with mental and physical trauma and she needs to be on her own before she can trust someone intimately again. I plan to do a sequel once this is done and in that she will be paired with someone. Toward the end of this fic you will see who she may…or may not **__**J**__** start a romantic relationship with. :)**_

_**To your other response, Meredith is not going to go to the police however she will tell…or someone will figure it out in this chapter. There is a reason why she does not go to the police. I promise that it will piece together in the next chapter, just bare with me and remember that I said there are 'two' Dereks.**_

_**Well, without further waiting, here is chapter three.**_

_Chapter 3:__ It's A Broken World_

_you broke me _

_to pieces and_

_brought me_

_to my knees_

_you hold me_

_close to_

_crush me and_

_pull me in_

_to push_

_yourself away_

Meredith sat on the wooden bunch in the interns' lockeroom staring into the thin air. She could hear the others moving around her getting ready for the day but even that did not move her to do so herself. She could feel Christina's eyes burning into her back, watching her like a hawk. "Are you sure you want to work today?" the Asian woman inquired in a hushed tone as she sat down next to her broken friend.

The blonde snapped out of her thoughts and nodded, moving in a robotic fashion to get into the new scrubs she had brought. "I'm staying." she muttered, throwing off her street clothes and moving quickly to put on her scrubs. She was tying her hair up in a loose ponytail when Alex whooped loudly. "Whoa Grey, what dude did you bring home last night?" he laughed, not knowing the underlining cause off the bite mark that now scarred Meredith's neck a deep black and blue.

Meredith turned her back on him, letting her hair back down to cover her neck. "Shut up, ass!" Christina hissed, grabbing Meredith's arm and pulling her out of the lockeroom, the blonde barely grabbing hold of her white lab coat. Alex chuckled while putting his stethoscope around his neck. Izzy and George whispered between each other. There was something going on with Meredith that Christina knew about and they were going to figure it out.

_your love, it's_

_a broken world_

_misshapen and _

_out of place_

_it's a broken world_

_my heart_

_beating to a _

_broken tune_

So far, they had gotten through rounds without seeing _him_. They were on there way to round on one his patients when they were paged to the pit. Christina watched from the corner of her eyes as Meredith visibly relaxed. "Alright, there's an incoming in the pit. Karev and Stevens you go meet the ambulance, O'Malley you're with Shepherd, Yang you're with Burke and Grey…Montgomery-Shepherd requested you." Dr. Bailey gave out the assignments in a hurry but not before giving Meredith a questioning glare.

Something was up, Bailey could smell it. The pleading stare Meredith looked at her with only proved it. The interns moved quickly to their destinations each in their own world. "Something is always up with that girl." Bailey muttered, following Izzy and Alex to the pit.

_after all you've_

_done for me_

_and all that _

_you broke of me _

_I love you still_

_and I hate you_

_more_

_it's hard to know_

_where the_

_line is drawn_

Meredith found Addison leaning against the nurses' station looking over a patient's chart with a tired look on her face. "Dr. Shepherd, you requested me?" Meredith asked, her voice light with a twinge of fear and nervousness. Addison studied the fragile intern and knew right away that today would be a long day.

"Yes, I did. How are you doing?" the redhead asked, tilting her head to the side. Meredith opened her mouth to reply but shut it like a mouse trap when she felt _him_ standing behind her. She side jumped next to Addison as if it was a natural reflex. Derek looked at her perplexed by the sudden movement and Addison looked quizzically between the two.

"Did you have too much coffee today?" he gave a hearty laugh as if yesterday didn't happen. Meredith shuddered under his gaze, a response Addison could feel because of how close the blonde was to her. "Okay, so you don't want to talk. Alright. I'll see you around Addie, stay away from the coffee Mer." he smiled amused, letting another laugh slip pass his lips. He continued on toward the pit, having been paged for the incoming ambulance.

Addison turned to face Meredith and was met with a shaken expression on the blonde's face. "He won't hurt you, Meredith, he's not _him_. He…he loves you." she reassured the blonde. It hurt her to tell Meredith that. Knowing that her husband loved another woman stabbed her heart almost as much as all of the other hurtful things that he did o her.

Meredith looked at Addison, wanting badly to tell her the truth. " You don't know that. You don't know anything about pain or hurt. Not this kind. Don't tell me who will and won't hurt me when you don't know anything." she snapped, wanting to run far away from reality. Addison flinched at the sudden burst of anger. Meredith looked around her and noticed several eyes watching them curiously.

"Uh, sorry. I-just…sorry." she muttered, looking down at her scuffed Chuck Taylers. Addison laced her arm through Meredith's and led her down the hall, ignoring the hushed whispers. They continued down the hall toward an on call room until she thought better of it and led Meredith into a linen closet. "I may not know everything about your pain but I know about mine. You can trust me, Meredith. Please trust me. Tell me who did this to you, I may know more than you think." she told Meredith, begging her with her eyes to trust her.

Meredith opened her mouth, ready to just blurt out the truth when the door opened. Light shined through the dim closet and revealed an angry Bailey. The short woman walked into the closet and closed it behind her. She had seen the encounter at the nurses' station and followed the two women to the closet only to hear Addison's strained voice through the door.

"You better tell me what's going on, Grey. You left during your shift yesterday and now I find you in a closet with the She-Shepherd." Bailey ordered, her hands on her hips waiting for an answer. Meredith slipped into a protective shell, clamping her mouth shut as if to keep her inner self from revealing her dark secret.

"She was raped." Addison blurted out. If Meredith wasn't going to speak up and save herself then she would do it for her. Bailey opened and closed her mouth while Meredith dropped into a corner. It was real now. It was out in the open and real. "Uh, ok. Have the police found the guy who did this?" the short doctor asked, her arms dropping to her side.

Miranda Bailey's eyes never left the crumpled thin form in the far corner of the closet. She was going to personally harm whoever broke Meredith Grey. She had begun to see the young interns as her children and she'll be damn if anybody broke Meredith's spirit. A spirit that had already been broken once too many.

"No, she hasn't. I begged her to let me do an exam but she wouldn't let me. You, god Miranda, you didn't see her after it happened." Addison frowned, looking at Dr. Bailey worriedly. Bailey looked at Addison with a knowing gaze. It always hurt her to see the after bruises on a rape victim, let alone one of their own. How could a man do that to a woman?

"Meredith, honey. You need to go the police. Do you know the man that did this to you? It may make it easier for the cops to find him." Miranda questioned cautiously, trying to coax a response out of Meredith. The blonde, suddenly filled with rage and anger, looked up at the two women with burning eyes. She didn't want to go to the police. She didn't want to tell them who it was. Doing all that meant telling everyone and she wasn't ready for that. They were forcing her and she had a feeling that Bailey wouldn't let her leave until she told them who it was.

That was a feeling that she didn't like. It was like saying no to _him_ all over again. "Fine! You want to know so bad?! You want to know who did this to me? It was DEREK MICHEAL SHEPHERD! He did this, he hurt me, he RAPED me! Are you happy now? Huh?! Are you? There I said it, it's _real_!" she screamed, not caring that anyone could have walked by the closet and heard her.

Miranda's jaw dropped, her eyes looking like a puddle left after a bad rain. Addison fell to the floor beside Meredith and pulled her into her arms. "Meredith, we're…we're in this together. He hurt us both in ways we never thought he could." she whispered to the blonde shaking in her arms. Meredith looked at her shocked, so many questions flowing through her aching mind.

"I knew it was him yesterday, after you said that he hurts us the most. After you told me to keep trying. I didn't know what you meant by that until he…until he raped me too. He told me afterwards that I was the one who wanted to try so this was him trying." Addison admitted, looking at Meredith eye to eye. The blonde sank into Addison's arms while at the same time, letting Addison sank into hers.

There, in a dim corner of a closet, two broken women held onto each other while dealing with their own pain. Miranda Bailey watched on, feeling like she was seeing something she wasn't suppose to. Like this was a moment that she wasn't meant to be in.

She opened the door quietly and left, vowing to hurt Derek Shepherd.

_it's a broken world,_

_you and I,_

_crashin all around_

_us caused by_

_our own_

_broken will_

_we're a broken_

_world together_

_and apart_

_no matter _

_where we go_

It had been six hours since the moment in the closet. Both women moved along like robots, leaning on each other figuratively when they needed to. Bailey had gone missing into the Chief's office…and so did Derek. Christina had been lurking near the Chief's door, listening to as much as she could before Patricia, the Chief's assistant, would come to drag her away.

Izzy and George had heard the shouting in the linen closet and had tried to bombard Meredith with comforting words and overbearing questions but were herded away by Addison. Nurses gossiped about Meredith's outburst at the station but neither of them knew the truth behind it.

Lunch came around slower than Meredith had wanted it to. She followed Addison to her office, a place where she knew no one would or could bother her. She knew that because Addison wouldn't let them and vice versa for her new redheaded support system.

The two women settled into the plush couch that rested against wall across from the door of Addison's office.

They laid down, head to feet and embraced the new silence around them. "Do you think he feels sorry?" Meredith wondered, her voice light and childlike. Addison looked at the off white smooth ceiling above her and then down her nose at Meredith who was staring at the book shelves as if they held answers. "I don't know. I like to think that he does. He's…there's something off about him. I've known him since undergrad and I've been married to him for eleven years. This isn't the Derek I fell in love with, the Derek you fell in love with." Addison responded, returning to her gaze to the ceiling.

Meredith pondered this, going over all of her latest moments with Derek. "You see it more than I do. I mean, you've known him longer, lived with him. The only change I've noticed is when he left me for you and looks at me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too." she said bitterly. She wasn't mad at Addison by no means. She was angry because the Derek that broke two women looked and seemed like the same Derek she fell for. The change that Addison saw, she did not.

Addison looked pained for a moment but she knew the meaning behind Meredith's words. "I never thought he could hurt me anymore than he already had, Meredith. I'm sure you feel that way too. But he did and he did it in the worse way possible. if we have nothing else, we have our dignity and our pride. He took that from me." she said, tears slipping through her eyelashes.

Meredith knew that feeling, knew just as much as Addison did. "Now, now we have nothing." she whispered, her voice torn and empty at the same time. They lay there crying, trying to figure out how the hell they got here. "I sometimes wish that this would happen to him. That the one he loved would hurt him and take away what he took from me. But then I just hurt even more. I could never do that to him because I love him. And it hurts so much more, that he could do it to me. It hurts more because he doesn't love me. And that thought, that fact…it makes me believe that he's not sorry. So I ask again, do you think he's sorry?" Meredith asked, this time looking Addison in the eyes.

This time, Addison saw the bigger picture. The question wasn't about if he was sorry or not. It was the question that neither woman would ever ask aloud. 'Do you think he loves you more than me?' The redhead looked at Meredith, thinking back to the night she wanted to forget.

_flashback…_

_It had been a long tiring day, especially after she had found Meredith in the on call room. She had seen pregnant woman after pregnant woman, all of them near there due date. Two of them had a baby with a possible heart defect, one had a brain mass, and the other had bad lungs. As much as she knew about sick babies, she couldn't answer all of their questions._

_It bothered her that Meredith had been so hurt and manipulated into thinking that maybe her rape wasn't rape after all. Who could have done that to her? Was it someone she knew personally? Of course it was, Meredith had even said so. There was something in Meredith's final words to her that she was not getting and that irked her even more. _

_She made it to the trailer, her mind still on Meredith. She walked into the metal contraption she called home and dropped her purse onto the pull out couch. Her movements were mechanical, removing her coat and hanging it in the little cupboard Derek called a closet. 'I hate this trailer.' she thought just as she had every other night she came 'home' from the hospital._

_She mentally slapped herself. How could she complain about a trailer after what happened to Meredith? She was the only one who knew and that made the worry on her shoulders so much heavier. Meredith wouldn't open up for her, she knew that. So she tried to get Christina to talk to her. It was harder than she thought because Bailey had walked by before she could tell Christina why exactly it was that she needed to talk to Meredith._

_It was when she sat at the edge of the bed that she noticed Derek taking a shower. Should she tell him? She was torn between being a good person and being the jealous wife. She knew that it was wrong of her to feel that way but she knew that Derek still loved Meredith and that hurt. He was stepping out of the shower when she had finally decided that despite her feelings, Derek needed to know._

_He looked up at her as he reached for the towel that lay neatly on the bed beside her._

_All of a sudden, he threw the towel behind her and pulled her into him. "Derek, stop. There's something I have to tell you." she had told him, pushing him away by his shoulders that were still wet from the shower._

_He kissed her collarbone and ran his dripping wet hand under her pressed button up shirt. "Addie, I'm trying to be romantic." He muttered but the tone in his voice was all wrong. The word 'trying' brought Addison back to down to reality. It made her think of Meredith. "Derek, something happened to Meredith." she finally told him._

_He stopped abruptly but only long enough to push her onto the bed. She sat haphazardly, shocked by the forceful thrust of the movement. "Please, don't say her name. I just want to have a nice night with my wife." he grinded out, tearing away her favorite Prada pin skirt. She slapped away his hands but they returned with a vengeance, tearing away her shirt and, soon, her stockings and underwear._

_She didn't know whether to be scared or happy. He finally wanted to make love to her, something he hadn't wanted to do before. Except, the way he touched her was rough and more like sex than making love. She was so consumed in her conflicting thoughts that she hadn't felt his manhood slide into her wet southern lips. "Derek, we need to stop. Meredith, something happened." Even then it hadn't occurred to her what was happening._

_Derek did not listen, he only slammed into her harder, rougher. She kept saying no, pushing him off only to have him pin her arms above her head. She looked him in the eyes but the look that he gave her was not the Derek that she married, not the Derek she crushed an innocent intern's heart for. _

_He heaved an almost satisfied moan as he finished, emptying himself into her. "You wanted to try, this is me trying." he stated simply, as if he hadn't just violated her in the worse way possible. He slipped under the covers and fell into a deep somber while his wife lay next to him, her arms still placed above her head as if he were still holding them there._

_Again, all she could think about was Meredith. 'He hurts me most, hurts you the most. Just keep trying.' the blonde had told her something similar not even sixteen hours ago. It dawned on her then that the same man who had just broke her broke Meredith. _

_you broke me_

_to pieces and_

_brought me _

_to my knees_

_you hold me _

_close to_

_crush me and_

_pull me in_

_to push yourself_

_away_

_It was then she realized what Meredith had been feeling, knew why she had questioned what had happened. She and Meredith loved Derek and had been with him intimately. So much so their bodies had become accustomed to his touch, craved it even when it hurt. How could you cry rape when your body wanted it?_

_end of flashback…_

More tears followed the path of the dried ones. "No, I don't think he's sorry either." she replied. Meredith laid her head back, letting it lay on Addison's ankles, the redhead followed this action and laid hers on Meredith's ankles. They silently agreed that Derek loved neither of them, at least not this Derek. They knew that there was still the Derek that wouldn't hurt them to consider but neither brought it up.

_after all that you've _

_done for me_

_and all that_

_you broke_

_I love you still_

_and I hate you _

_more_

_It's hard to know_

_where to_

_draw the line_

They needed each other more than they needed his reassurance.

_when it's a broken world_

**A/N: Okay, there it is. I think this is my longest chapter to date, wow! It took me awhile to put it all into words and it definitely stressed me out to put them both through the tornado that is the 'other Derek'. There is definitely some pent up anger between the two on the 'who Derek loves the most' storyline however they are putting that aside to be there for each other no matter how much it hurts them. They will need each other because not everyone will understand the things they are going through. I will go into what goes on during the Chief/Bailey/Derek meeting in the next chapter and I will also have some raving mad Addison and Meredith yelling at Derek. I hadn't planned to have Addison raped right after Meredith, it sort of just came to me last minute. **

**The italicized words is a song that I wrote specifically for this story. It's called, 'It's A Broken World'. I do own this song, so please don't steal it ;). **

**I wanted to kind of put Meredith and Addison's feelings into a song and set the atmosphere for this chapter and I think that this song did that for me.**

**As always, please please review review!!! ****J**

**xxxNikxxx**


	4. Aren't We All

_**A/N: I want to apologize for the super long wait, I have been without internet and computer for awhile and am just getting back in the groove. For my other stories you can definitely expect an update this weekend as well as chapter five for this story. For If We Had Seen It Coming, I am removing it temporarily until this weekend to do some revisions most just chapter separating, spell/grammar checks, and a little rewording. Again, sorry for the dry run and I hope you are all still interested in this story as well as my others.**_

_**Here it is!**_

_Chapter 4__: Aren't We All_

Meredith and Addison stood frozen in front of the Chief's office, knowing what waited for them inside. They looked at each other, both pairs of eyes filled with worry and fear. Worried that Derek may still be in there and fear of how they'll react if he is. "Do you think they'll notice if we just don't show up?" Meredith wondered even though she knew she would end up going in anyway.

Addison sighed tiredly, "Yeah, they'll notice. Lets get this over with." She reached for the handle on the door and opened it with caution. Together, the two women walked into the room mustering all of the strength they had left. The Chief sat behind his desk, a grim expression on his face.

In the two seats in front of him sat Derek and Dr. Bailey, each with their own thoughts whirling through their mind. "Who wants to go first?" the Chief asked, looking between Addison and Meredith. Addison opened her mouth to explain but was cut off by Derek.

"Let me," Derek began angrily, standing from his chair, "I didn't rape either one of you! I don't know what sick game you two are playing but please, un-include me." He walked over to Meredith and Addison, ignoring the fear crippling their features. Bailey stood up, waiting for Derek to go out of line so she could kick his ass.

"I expected this from you, Addison, the heartless bitch you are. But Meredith…you wanted it, once a whore always a whore." Derek spit angrily, his hands clenched into fist by his sides. The young intern looked fearful but soon his hateful words sank in and all she saw was fire. She stomped the short distance between him and her and shoved him with everything she had.

_He stumbled backwards into the Chief's desk, looking shocked at the sudden force. "You bastard! You do __not_ get to call me a whore and you don't get to call Addison a heartless bitch either. Not after what you did to us!" she shouted nearly at the top of her lungs. The redhead behind her looked startled, surprised by Meredith's outburst.

Derek opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by Addison. "You are a despicable, hurtful asshole! I don't know what the hell has gotten into you but you better own up!" the ob/gyn added to the argument, pointing a manicured index finger in Derek's direction. The man stood up enraged and charged head strong at Meredith who was closer to him than Addison.

He gripped Meredith by the throat as they crashed to the floor, his knees knocking into her stomach as he landed heavily on top of her. Addison screamed and ran to pull Derek off of Meredith but was knocked away by a flying punch from Derek. She flew back, falling onto the couch by the far back wall to the right of the Chief's desk.

Bailey and the Chief flew out of their seats and ran over to pull Derek off. The Chief pried at Derek's arms while Bailey looked over Derek's body to see if Meredith was still breathing. "Dr. Shepherd, you need to let go _now_!" the Chief ordered, pulling at the angry neurosurgeon's arms.

Meredith struggled beneath Derek, her mind becoming more munb by the second. "Der-ek, pl-ea-se!" she gasped, her fingers curling at the collar of Derek's lab coat to push him away. Her thoughts became less in less as the last of her gasps slipped pass her lips. By the time the Chief pulled Derek away, Meredith had already passed out, her body crumpled and lifeless.

Addison rushed to her side, ignoring her own swollen cheek. "Dammit, start CPR, her pulse is gone." Bailey ordered, her index and middle finger placed just below Meredith's jaw. She began compressions, counting away silently. At the end of fifteen compressions over Meredith's chests, Addison breathed into Meredith's mouth for a period of two seconds.

The Chief held Derek bound by the arms, staring helplessly at the woman he had thought of as his daughter. Derek's eyes glazed over as he watched the scene, his mind trying to figure out what had just happened. "I-oh my god." was the last thing he said before he fell to ground in a seizure.

Richard Webber froze.

The scene going on before him felt like something out of a weird dream. This was not his hospital. It couldn't be. The urgent sound of Miranda Bailey's voice broke through the fog of his mind, urging him to help Derek. "I'll be damned if he goes without consequence." he heard Bailey mutter as she continued compressions on Meredith.

Richard fell to his knees and secured Derek's flopping head between his hands. "Addison, continue compressions, Bailey go get the other neuro attending on call and find some interns to get gurneys. Page Burke for Meredith." he ordered, trying to hold Derek still as he could.

Bailey looked at the Chief with an expression that looked along the lines of annoyance. "I don't think having the other interns involved is a good idea. They'll kill Shepherd or go off the deep end worrying over Meredith." she told the Chief, biting her tongue to stop herself from saying anything further.

Richard Webber has never not known what to do. Even when he was younger, he had an answer for everything. Now, he sat empty of answers. Nothing could solve this problem, or fix three broken souls. " Um…okay, get who ever you can and send the interns to the pit for now." he finally responded.

Bailey nodded and left the room, her short legs carrying her as fast as she could go. She would drag every surgeon out of the operating room if she had to. Meredith Grey as well as the other interns were like her surrogate children and she be damned if she didn't do everything she could to protect them.

"Come one Meredith, don't do this. You are too damn strong to die by the hands of that bastard!" Addison muttered, her hands pressing hard on Meredith's chest. She pressed her lips against the young intern's mouth and breathed out hope, a thin passionate air of wishful oxygen. It was not intimate in that she loved her as a lover but love as a person, as a friend, as a sister, as a woman, as a broken soul who shared the same pain as she.

And with that the blonde's chest lifted as if to soak in all of the hope, and wishes, and love. A lone tear trickled down Addison's porcelain face and fell onto the young woman's face to mix with her own drying tears. "Addison?" Meredith gasped, her voice wispy and scratchy. The redheaded woman lifted Meredith into her arms and held onto her, "I'm here, I'm here." she whispered over and over again.

Richard looked on, tears in his own eyes. Just seconds ago, loosing the woman he thought of as a daughter was very possible. Just seconds ago he could have been responsible for her death. He should have known better, he shouldn't have put them in the same room. Most importantly he shouldn't have questioned Meredith and Addison's accusations.

Deep in his heart he believed but his mind couldn't. He couldn't believe that Derek Shepherd would ever intentionally hurt anyone, especially not the two women he loved. In a world as torn as this one, he should have. He looked down at the now still head of his neurosurgeon and sighed tiredly. He was getting too old for this, to broken down and to involved in the personal lives of his surgeons.

"Meredith, how are you feeling?" he asked, though he had a feeling that maybe it would have been easier not to say anything at all. The blonde's gaze settled on him, looking over Addison's shoulder. "I feel like I was drop kicked in the stomach, choked to death- literally not figuratively- and then had my ribs nearly crushed into my lungs. I feel like death warmed over. What's wrong with _him_?" Meredith responded sarcastically, her voice still scratchy.

The Chief opened and closed his mouth, his mind not fully processing a reply. Meredith looked away from his sad gaze. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I am _so_ sorry." He finally said though he knew sorry wouldn't fix anything. The blonde looked on as if she hadn't heard him, rocking almost indistinctly in Addison's arms.

Bailey and several other doctors rushed into the room with gurneys and several onlookers behind them trying to see into the office. They quickly began to treat Derek while Bailey tried to explain to Meredith that she needed to get checked out but the blonde seemed to be in another world. "Aren't we all, aren't we all." she whispered, only Addison, who's ear was pressed against Meredith's cheek , could hear.

A/N: So here is chapter five, I hope you all liked it. It's shorter than I had originally planned, however, I am working on a much longer chapter five. I also already have ideas for the sequel to this which will be a crossover with House in which Meredith transfers to Plainsboro and works as a general surgeon for House while emotionally recuperating. One question: Chase or Wilson? You all can vote on her love interest or rather close bond then love interest. Now just because I have announced a sequel doesn't mean this story isn't over it just means I know where I'm going with it and how I'm going to get there.

WARNING!!!! Teasers below, read if you wish WARNING!!!

_TEASERS: _

_Derek undergoes brain surgery_

_Addison files for divorce_

_Izzie, Alex, George, and Christina find out about Meredith and Addison's rape and refuse to work with the surgeon working on Derek_

_Police are called; Meredith files a restraining order_

Check out Lacking Simplicity for story spoilers! : )


	5. Only The Bitter Girl Is Left

_**A/N: I promised an update so here it is! I hope you all enjoy and I want to say a major thanks to all of my readers, especially my reviewers, and to all of you that have added this story as well as my others to your story alert/favorite story list!**_

_**Here it is!**_

_Chapter 5: Only the Bitter Girl Is Left_

Christina Yang missed gagging over the dreamy Dr. Derek Shepherd. She missed teasing him about his hair and getting on Meredith's case about being too mushy. When Addison came along she was secretly glad because then she got her person back. It didn't matter that Meredith was slightly more damaged and slightly more dark and twisty. They could be that way together.

Now, now she would give anything to have McDreamy back. Not this asshole who thinks he can take advantage of Meredith. Not this bastard who thinks he's done nothing wrong, that thinks he didn't just take away Meredith's dignity. She wished that she could just wrap her hands around his neck and strangle him to death while his penis went through a meat grinder.

Watching Derek being wheeled out of the chief's office gave her a sense of satisfaction. That was until Meredith was wheeled out behind him. She rushed to her side and was relieved to see green eyes staring up at her. "What did he do? So help me god Meredith…" Christina trailed off because for the first time in her life she didn't know what to say. Meredith gripped Christina's hand in hers before being led away by Dr. Burke and Dr. Bailey.

She watched as her person was wheeled away, the Chief right behind her. Addison moved to follow but Christina grabbed her by the arm. "Hold on! I am not letting you go until you tell me what the hell happened in there." she exclaimed, squeezing Addison's arm subconsciously. The redhead tore her arm away from Christina and rubbed at the bruise forming on her arm.

"With all do respect, Dr. Yang, I don't think it's any of your business right now." Addison responded curtly. She was not in the right mind to be talking to anyone. All she wanted to do was go with Meredith because up until now she didn't know how to stay strong without Meredith by her side. She knew that Christina had every right to know but she didn't want to take the time to tell her.

"The hell I don't! How can you stand by him knowing what he did to her? You're the one that found her, or did you forget that? I understand she may not be your favorite person but you're still a woman, at least I thought you were. Woman don't stand by rapist!" Christina yelled, not knowing about the bond that formed between Meredith and Addison over their common tragedy.

Silence floated through the area surrounding the Chief's office. Only the sting of Addison's creamy toned manicured hand connecting with Christina's cheek echoed. "You don't know far enough information to come at me, Yang. Get your facts straight before you call me a supporter of rape. I've been through hell and the only person I can count on to not make it worst right now is Meredith. How could you possibly think I would stick by Derek's actions?" she yelled, her cheeks red with anger and her eyes dark and stormy.

Christina touched her face as if her throbbing cheek wasn't evidence enough. "Maybe it's the fact that you're still married to him? I don't know, that seems factual enough if you ask me." she finally said before turning around to leave. She stopped, looked back and added, " Oh yeah, hit me again and I promise I will hit you back."

Addison watched her walk away, a tired look spread across her face.

The doctors and nurses that had been in hearing range moved quickly, as if they had not been eavesdropping the whole time. Patricia stared sympathetically at Addison having heard that Addison had been raped too. The redheaded doctor stared ahead emptily. Christina was right. She should have torn the ring off of her finger the night everything changed. Why had she kept it on?

A little voice in the back of her mind told her it was because she had hope. Hope that once Derek came to his senses they could sit and talk it out. She remembered watching Derek writher against the floor of Richard's office and wished for whatever was wrong with him to be the reason behind everything.

Her head dropped in shame. As a woman, how could she think that? Even if there were a tumor or something that had caused him to act so violent, it still wouldn't have changed anything. He must have been thinking about it for a tumor to make him act on it, right? Addison shook her head to empty out her thoughts. She was no where well enough to think of that possibility. With one large intake of air, she removed the ring she had worn for eleven years and threw it in the trash can by Patricia's desk.

Whatever the outcome, she couldn't stay married to someone who had taken everything away from her. "Patricia please tell the chief that I am leaving to take care of some personal matters. Also, let Meredith know that I will be back for her later." she informed the chief's assistant before making her way to the elevator.

Once inside the isolated elevator, she took her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed her attorney's number. By the end of the day she would be a single, divorced woman. No matter what it took, she would be free.

_____________

Derek stared at the white walls of the CT machine. Never had he thought that he would be on this side of the glass. He knew for a month that something wasn't right, though. He became short tempered and angrier than he usually was. Sometimes even the smallest things could set him off. He found himself snapping at Addison more than he used too, nearly getting physical with her over things like hogging the covers and taking too long in the shower.

He had always pushed the signs aside, using Addison's return and Meredith's avoidance as an excuse for him being so hot wired. In the back of his mind he knew he should have gotten help but he was a doctor and it scared him that he may not be able to help himself. For the past four days or so he had been ten times angrier and he's had blackout like experiences too frequent to count. He just thanked goodness that it hadn't happened during surgery.

Apparently in those blackout like experiences he had hurt the two women he cared about in a way that was so unforgivable. He couldn't even remember being with them like that. He tried to think hard, to remember but nothing came to him. Not even the incident in the chief's office seemed familiar to his mind. Maybe he couldn't remember because he didn't want to, didn't want to see their crying, pained faces as he forced himself on them.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of him being eased out of the machine.

He dared to glance at Richard who stood behind the glass in the tech room and winced. Richard was his mentor, someone he had looked up to when he was a young resident. To see him staring at him with such anger and disappointment hurt. The neurosurgeon and another nurse came into lift him onto a gurney. Normally interns did that but none of the interns wanted to work with the neurosurgeon who would be working on him.

Derek Shepherd literally braced himself for the wrath of Christina Yang. He feared for his life because he knew that she would take what ever chance she got to castrate him with a rusty scalpel and then finish him off with her bare hands. Part of him wanted her to do it, to end his life. It would only be a matter of time until he did it himself anyway. He couldn't bare to walk the halls of the hospital or run into Addison and Meredith knowing what he did to them.

Once settled in his hospital room, Dr. Samson Derek's neurosurgeon asked him questions regarding any symptoms he may have felt. Derek explained to him about the mood swings and his short temper that sprouted out of no where. He left out what happened with Addison and Meredith, Derek could tell by the coldness in his eyes that he knew about that already.

"You have a tumor pressing on the frontal lobe. As you know, it controls anger, emotions, actions, and sexual feelings. That may explain some of your symptoms. It isn't extremely large so I will be able remove most if not all of it. From there we will send a piece in to biopsy. Your surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning." he said dryly, writing what I would assume the time of my surgery.

He promptly walked out followed by the nurse that was with him at the CT scan. The chief lingered behind, his face now drooping tiredly. "Just because your prognosis explains things, it doesn't change them. I respect you as a doctor which is why I'm letting you know that I called the police. As a person, I cannot let you go unpunished. They will be here shortly, Dr. Shepherd." the Chief informed Derek before leaving the man alone in his room.

Derek sunk into the bed, trying to comprehend everything that had happened in the last week. There was no saving him and some part of him was glad. He didn't deserve to be saved. He let his eyes fall close, his body drifting into a soon fitful sleep.

____________

Meredith looked at the bare hospital wall of her room because at that point it was better than looking at the two uniformed policemen standing on either side of her bed and her friends hovering outside the doorway. She didn't want to call the police, she didn't even want to _think_ about calling the police but apparently someone had. She knew it wasn't Addison.

It couldn't have been because despite how much the redhead had shared her pain with Meredith, Meredith still noticed the ring on her finger. It only left Bailey and the Chief because Christina would skip the cops and go straight for the literal kill now that everyone already knew what had happened. The questions is which one and why?

"Ms. Grey, I understand you are distraught and stressed but we need to know everything that happens before we arrest the suspect." the female cop on her left insisted, ignoring Meredith's avoiding gaze. The dark blonde closed her eyes hoping to relieve the added stress of the pressuring policemen but failed.

She gave the woman her hardest stare and supplied, "Listen, I've been pressured enough this past week so with all due respect please leave me alone. I don't want to talk about what did or didn't happen because I am not pressing charges. Jail time won't fix what he's done to me and Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. There is no punishment that could be painful enough to Derek Shepherd as it was painful for me. You can speak with Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd if you wish but my chargers are here forth dropped."

The officers looked at Meredith with a shocked expression etched across their faces. "If it seems like we are pressuring you I'm-" the male officer began but was cut off by Meredith's hand held up as if to say 'stop'. "I've said what I had to say. Please leave." she said adamantly, sending a glance toward the doorway where a well sensed Alex Karev stood ready to the throw the officers out if he had to.

The officers left reluctantly, exchanging a look between them as they made their way out the door. Alex and the others waited until the cops were on the elevator before making their way into Meredith's room. "Oh, Mer. Why didn't you tell me? That McBastard!" Izzy shouted, her own anger building. How could a man she thought was so perfect do something so horrible to her friend?

George leaned down to hug Meredith but quickly thought better of it and offered her a small awkward smile instead. Alex looked around the room because if he looked at her and saw the handprints wrapped around Meredith's neck he may go and kill Derek Shepherd with a lead rusted saw. Meredith closed her eyes, just wishing for them to leave.

"What are you fools doing here? You are not getting paid to stand around looking sorry for yourselves, MOVE!" Bailey ordered as she stepped into the room, seeing the pained expression on Meredith's face. The interns left the room unwillingly but slightly thankful to be away. Neither knew exactly what to say and none of them wanted to say the wrong thing.

"Are you okay, Meredith? I know you can't possibly be _okay_ but aside from everything…well I guess you can't be okay either way, huh?" Bailey stumbled. For the first time in her career at Seattle Grace, she didn't know what to say and even if she did, she wouldn't know how to say it. Meredith said nothing nor did she even acknowledge that she had heard Dr. Bailey.

"I know this may not make you feel better about anything but I thought you would want to know. Dr. Shepherd, Derek, he has a tumor pressing on his frontal lobe. That would explain, um, some things. It's still no excuse but-it explains." Bailey ranted nervously. She was not a nervous woman. She knew how to deal with rape victims. She had seen many of them countless times, which was so unfortunate enough. She didn't know how to deal when it was one of her own.

Her mind had drifted back to the day she found out, seeing Meredith so frail and broken huddled in a corner of the linen closet. 'When is this girl going to get a break?' she thought sadly. Meredith looked at Bailey for the first time and frowned. "That will be his excuse. 'It was the tumor, Meredith. I didn't mean it.' It may not be an excuse to you or to me but to him it justifies everything. And even knowing that, I still love him. What's my excuse? Huh, what's mine? Please tell me, do I have a tumor that _explains_ it? Give me something to go on, Dr. Bailey. Please, explain everything to me. You can't, no one can. There is no explanation for anything." she retorted bitterly.

Meredith had been through every emotion in the book, all that was left for her was bitterness and anger. It didn't matter who the emotion was directed at, only that it was directed at someone because if she left it to stew inside her she would explode. Dr. Bailey noted the cold, unfeeling tint of Meredith's green eyes and realized that now was not the time to 'explain' Derek's behavior. She left the room, closing the door behind her. A lone tear trickled down Meredith's face as she let the last piece of her figuratively float away.

No more Meredith, only the bitter girl is left behind.

**A/N: Okay I know I said it would be posted during the weekend but I had a hard time putting this chapter together because I've changed some things that will ultimately affect the story later in. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed! Leave a review and let me know what you think!**

**Note: Lacking Simplicity is almost done, I just need to add a few finishing touches and it will be up tomorrow…well later today (it's one A.M now). Thank you my gracious readers for being so patient!**

**WARNING! Spoilers below, do not read if you wish to not know WARNING!**

_TEASERS:_

_Addison returns to work divorced and questioned by the police_

_A 'new' Meredith is introduced_

_Meredith and Derek come face to face before is surgery_

_The chief is bombarded by a bitter Meredith about calling the cops_

_Derek's mom comes to town_


	6. AN: Future Updates Good News!

A/N: I don't know about yall but I was looking for a MerDer wedding. Like seriously!!!!! Izzie and Alex were cute and yaddyaddayah but they could have least did a double wedding! Seriously! They had everyone excited and waiting for the BIG Shepherd wedding and then BAM! Nope, Izzie and Alex are tying the knot! And hello, in the two hour season finally she has a chance to live but she'll lose her memories…I get that she would want to remember every thing but she could start fresh and get to know Alex and fall in love with him all over again without all of the past bull crap they went through…but no, she would rather die than do that…and I know it was suppose to be all romantic since she is dying and every thing but I was soooooo looking forward to the MerDer wedding…..guh….Okay now that, that rant is temporarily over (I will probably be driving myself insane ranting in my head lol) Here's what I really need to say:

**Now that the semester is over and done with (thank you thank you thank you! :D) and I will be on summer break, I will definitely be able to update more often, probably like three times a week, it depends on my working schedule but definitely I will be updating way more! Totally promise! And I am so sorry for not updating but I threw myself into classes and projects and test and the whole education shebang and I just did not have time but I do now! So now that I have all of this time and internet at home I will definitely be able to update! **

Is it just me or is everyone else still peeved about the last minute switch up on the nuptials?

xoxo Nik xoxo

P.S. No flames to Izzie/Alex shippers (personally I wouldn't have minded if they did a double wedding…but…whateva)

Just when I was starting to like Shonda again…*sigh*


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: **Hello! I know, it's been a very long time…years actually. I am so sorry! I feel like I abandoned you all and that was not my intentions at all. I just lost a bit of my spark as far as writing goes and I've been very disappointed with Grey's Anatomy as of late. Especially this upcoming season...it has been reported that Ellen and Patrick are seriously considering not signing a new contract with Grey's and so it is possible that they may be written off. How they continue on with GREY'S Anatomy is beyond me. That said I am not as enthused about Grey's this year as in previous years.

Anyway back to fanfiction.

I am back in the game! I have updates for If Tomorrow Never Comes, Deliver Me to Safety and Lacking Simplicity. As far as regular updates go, I will only update one chapter per week for each story and they may not be as long as I like but still a good amount for weekly reads :).

I may be favoring one story over the other and so instead of one chapter per week for each story it may, one week be two or three chapters for just one. We'll see as time goes.

As for How To Play Tic Tac Toe, I am still interested in putting that together…slightly. I have this idea prodding at the back of my mind that may take precedence over that one. If anyone would like to tackle the idea before I can get to it, read the intro/summary for it and shoot me a PM with:

A sample of your previous/current fanfiction or writing

Your ideas for where you want to take the story

As of late, I still love the idea myself but between my first three GA fics and one I am working on now, I don't see myself getting to it.

**New Story:** This is a fic that I have been working on for a while now that I do NOT plan on posting until my at least two or three chapters have been updated to my other GA fics. Please, no kidnapping my idea just because it's not officially posted!

Title: _The Ungodly Hour_

Rated: T/M for the prologue for various reason which if 16 and over and/or mature enough, then you do not necessarily have be eighteen and older. Rated M mostly just as a precaution and as preparation.

A/U: Same characters, same hospital and mostly same location. Everything you know about Grey's from season one to now, throw out the window. While the majority of the character's personalities will be the same, Derek's and Meredith's will NOT be. How, when and where they met has changed. The one night stand after Joe's does not happen, Meredith never leaves the mixer.

Short Summary: One hour. One memory. Two people. Nothing will ever be the same.

Full Summary: All they needed was a jar of pickles. What they got was heartache and devastation. They left with a memory they would spend years trying to forget. In one hour, they lost more than any one person should in a lifetime. Years later, a hospital mixer brings it all back like a virus in their stomachs. What happens then, is anyone's guess.

I have two chapters completed, the only thing subject to change is the wording of the full summary as I am typing from a vague memory right now and trying not to give too much away.

Yes, I know, another dark one…I just can't help myself! But, it is my second Derek/Meredith shipper!

Can't wait, hope you are all excited and that I haven't lost you!

xoxo Nikki Nikki xoxo

P.S. I'm baaaaaackkkkk!


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